


I’m Sorry Is All I Can Say

by idk_623



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, And probably freaked out my teacher, Could be Jared/Evan if you want, I listened to sad songs while writing this, I wrote this for school, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Tagging causes my anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24254923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk_623/pseuds/idk_623
Summary: Anxiety coiled in his gut like a spring, ready to snap, and Evan was sure his best friend was angry with him.  He didn’t greet Evan when he entered their shared dorm and refused to return the gesture when Evan took the initiative.  Even as he paced around the room, trying to convince himself he was jumping to conclusions, Jared never looked up from the paperwork he had buried himself in.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	I’m Sorry Is All I Can Say

Anxiety coiled in his gut like a spring, ready to snap, and Evan was sure his best friend was angry with him. He didn’t greet Evan when he entered their shared dorm and refused to return the gesture when Evan took the initiative. Even as he paced around the room, trying to convince himself he was jumping to conclusions, Jared never looked up from the paperwork he had buried himself in. Papers were scattered hazardously across the table that was filled with dings and indents, the crumbs on the table mocking him, as if they knew he was supposed to have cleaned two days ago. Evan grimaced and tried to ask what the papers were for, but Jared easily ignored him.

Defeated, he mumbled an apology and slunk towards their shared room, not bothering to shut the door. His side of the room ridiculed him as he stared at the clutter surrounding his unmade bed. Evan had never been the messy type, but he couldn’t seem to motivate himself to pick up the dirty laundry off the floor or to throw away the half-eaten pizza on his nightstand. Instead, he did what he always does, and lied down on his bed, ignoring the way the mattress rejected his body like the way Jared was ignoring him. He waited childishly for a sheepish Jared to inch into the room, apologizing for being an asshole. When he didn’t, betrayal surged through him, and he buried his head into his hands, attempting to keep from looking at the side of the room that wasn’t his.

The two of them had been inseparable since the beginning of Senior Year, when Evan had confided in Jared that he had to prevent the suicide of Connor Murphy and he was so, so scared. Jared finally decided that enough was enough, and he spent the night at Evan’s house, apologizing over and over for how he had treated him. It took time, but eventually, they figured a good balance between the two. They were there for each other’s highest and lowest point, one always willing to pick up the slack when the other couldn’t seem to keep going. They had become a yin and yang, completely different yet they were never seen apart.

Evan uncurled from his position, renewed vigor pulsing through his veins. He was not going to mope on his dirty and stained fitted sheet while his roommate gave him the silent treatment. With a last look towards Jared’s noticeably cleaner side of the room, he made his way to the door, before pausing and turning back around. Normally, he wouldn’t have even noticed any redecoration on Jared’s side, but if there was one thing that remained constant despite all the changes, it was the small wizard statue on his nightstand.

Evan walked over to it, not touching but just barely hovering over. What had once been a six-inch replica of Dumbledore was now a pile of shards, like someone had taken a hammer to it, or had dropped it from the top of the dorms to the concrete below. The thought of anything falling from there made Evan’s hands shake, and he pulled away quickly from the figurine. He didn’t know why the gift, which Evan had given Jared four years ago, was now suddenly into pieces. It had been important to Jared, even if he always said the only reason he brought it to college was because Dumbledore was underrated.

Hurriedly, he left the room, his vigor morphing into fear that he was losing his friend. The hallway was bare, except for one photo that Evan had deemed important enough to get framed. Jared had called him a middle-aged mother as he hung it up, but Evan knew he liked it, too. In the photo, Jared had Evan in a headlock, grinding his knuckles into Evan’s characteristically messy hair as Evan laughed and tried to shove him off. Even with their caps discarded, the gowns were a story of their graduation, and their smiles were the narrators. Evan walked quickly past the photo, not bothering to look at it, not bothering to notice the spider web of cracks that covered his side of the photo, distorting him.

When Evan returned, Jared was collapsed at the table, head cradled in his arms as his shoulders shook and he let out loud, gasping sobs. The paperwork he was once working on was discarded around him, as if he had pushed it off the table in a fit of anger. Evan stared dumbly at him, half hoping he would notice him, half knowing that he wouldn’t react even if he did. He did the only thing he knew how to do; he sat down next to him and gently placed a hand on his back, tracing small circles into his shoulder blade with his thumb.

Jared collapsed into himself further, fully releasing control of his muscles as Evan sat next to him. Evan tried not to think about how Jared was wearing the ugly, black dress shirt that he hadn’t worn in at least three years, ever since he stopped attending church services. Evan remembered how he had thrown that shirt at the bottom of his dresser, promising to never dig it out again. He said he looked like his was a mourning widow when he wore it, and it was itchy, which was the worst scandal in the Klienman household.

A smile tugged at his lips but disappeared as quickly as it came. Jared was wallowing in his snot and tears, his glasses skewed and bending. He continued to ignore the outside world, not responding to Evan or the television, that had been blaring the news throughout the whole ordeal. Evan reached over to the remote to at the very least turn it down, when the news anchor said something that made Evan’s heart drop into his stomach.

“… student, Evan Hansen, had thrown himself off the dormitory roof in a suicide attempt...” Evan paled at the words, frozen in place as Jared, with an ear splitting roar, suddenly ripped the remote from the table and chucked it at the screen. The screen shattered as the audio continued to play, the visual now nothing more than broken glass and odd colors. He looked over at Jared, who was curled into himself, chanting apologies to his friend, his trusting wingman, confidante, voice of reason.

Evan pulled away from Jared, finally understanding his actions. Evan had done it, even after every promise and swear that he would never leave Jared, just like Jared would never leave him. That everyone else could, and he would still be there through thick and thin. But he lied, and Jared was alone, now, and he just watched as his friend broke into pieces; not unlike Dumbledore, not unlike the television, and not unlike Evan.


End file.
